"The mind mingles not with the breath, whether moving gently or violently, when it has once drawn itself apart and discovered its own power, and think also of all that thou hast heard and assented to about pain and pleasure and be quiet at last"
My messy living room:
I'm so glad I'm finally objective enough to regard a man who calls my virginity "beautiful" and another state or country "home" as a lost cause, romantically-- no matter how undeniably gorgeous, Christian or charming he may be. These things just do not phase me anymore.
Luckily I can now spot a heart-breaking tease a mile away. In fact, I recognize without reservation, due to the extreme level of paraphilia with which I'm psychologically saddled, that I am often a tease also. I finally know better than to date the type of man who keeps me at arm's length, reserving his most intimate, engaging thoughts and experiences for long-time friends from out of town whom I never do seem to meet. I've done it, too, to men who serve a purpose in my life as opposed to the ones who strike me as relationship material. So I'm now wisely avoiding the sort of man who seems to like my innocence only as long as he fancies himself the potential possessor of it-- a resource he can toy with at his leisure. Till my panties drop, perhaps, in a desperate effort to connect with such an unavailable Adonis, which is not a likely event at this point. Even so, I wish all those boys well. They still want the same three things I want in life, just like everyone else.
Anyway, we're all only flawed or selfish when viewed from a limited human perspective-- eyes that can't see atoms (though they exist!) view things at face value and label another person as a jerk when the truth of that person's wholeness remains hidden, or possibly perfection is too vast to be perceived all at once. If I could step back and see the bigger picture, everyone's truly flawless nature would be revealed, so I just take the matter on faith and know nobody is a victim or a predator... we're all equals.
So now I'm trying to feel my way. However, I'm not relying upon the mutable mess of selfish human emotions I used to let rule me. Instead I'm using a deeper divining rod-- a telling sort of vibration that becomes fairly intense when I visualize someone or something currently meaningful in my life; it's an as-yet infallible method which tells me where to focus my energy, The only catch is that I can usually only feel it during meditation. Soon I hope I'll be able to let the particulars of the people and things drop, and be able to catch various vibrations anywhere, though.
My love is free, and unconditional, but from now on I will only flow with a partner who is as much of an open book as I am, or strive to be. I don't shrink from physical affection, especially after I get to know a man well, but potentially making myself a night-blooming garden of disease simply because I've got nothing better to do than be charmed by a handsome man seems to be a bad idea. I want to be tidy and pure, mind, body, and soul and share my secrets with just one man.
Sometimes it gets a little bit frustrating, though. I'm already impossible to fuck, so I have limited patience with the hard-to-get game.
If I count the five most attractive offers (ie intelligent, well-off, handsome, non-regulars) from the strip club patrons and the most interesting random guys from the train or craigslist (more about that tomorrow...) I suppose I was asked on about a dozen dates this week. It's overwhelming. If nobody I like makes sincere boyfriend overtures in the next week or two I'll probably get burned out and bury my genuine sensuality underground again, unearthing a modicum of it here and there, perhaps, as a reserve upon which to draw for method acting at work. I'll be happy either way.
I'm beginning to realize human beings have so many more similarities than differences that I just try to be sweet and have fun with the dating process. I'm ever-aware that the romantic formula I'm after (statistically speaking, the most successful for marriage) is: smitten guy who tries the hardest to win me plus me, pleasant yet detached-- maintaining a degree of emotional distance because I'm confident things are under the auspices of the Divine and can't help but work out well, rather than using my serene equanimity as a hard-to-get ploy. The attractive, honest man who really wants me most will probably get me in the end. Anyway, I can always become a sister at Taize if nobody snags me by 30. Stripper, wife, ecumenical nun, none of the above, whatevs. I have a lot of love to give and, as always, it'll inevitably get channeled in some constructive way and saturate those around me, thankfully-- I'm learning to be more of a giver every day.
I am considering buying some bad-ass, sewn-in hair extensions and getting a fake tan in the near-ish future. I kind of want to try the stripper look on for size and really go for it.
PS I just rediscovered this modest dress-- seems like a good dress for church or a date that doesn't involve teasing anyone:
PS 2 I guess I don't need to go to France to be a sister in an ecumenical community:
Kind of reminds me of Wesley Woods, the secluded Methodist retreat on Lake Geneva where I spent many long, happy weekends as a teenager.