Monday, March 2, 2009
"I'm awful," he said sadly. "I'm diff'runt. I don't know why I make faux
pas. 'Cause I don't care, I s'pose."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "This Side of Paradise"
I spent the afternoon ordering this vintage wallpaper and some damask pillows for my new house. The figure on the wallpaper reminds me of a Mercury dime, which I love.
Sometimes, achingly lonely after riding the subway home all by myself after a night of hearing how pretty I am, and how lucky any man would be with to be with me, etc., I attempt to mollify my screaming psyche with home décor. It’s not mere retail therapy, more like some eternal, feminine nestling instinct that emerges when I am sinking in some sort of moral or situational quagmire and desperately need to create a safe, beautiful haven for myself.
Random note: if there’s one word I remember from my three years of Spanish classes as a teenager, it’s salvavidas: lifeaver. I guess it makes sense that I retained that particular palabra, when I give it some thought. After all, I’m the type who perpetually relies on the kindness of strangers, so I always have my eye on the buoy, branch, ladder, and, ultimately, exit. It’s a survival instinct. In fact, I’m lost so often these days that I’m actually getting used to it-- I have a horrible sense of direction. However, I often enjoy it, especially when I have to ask for directions and I get to meet someone new. I wonder if strangers can sense the gratitude and friendliness I feel for them in those instances. I try to convey it as ardently as possible-- it's safe to say it fairly radiates from me, so I guess I'm doing my part.
I find it so easy to love people I barely know. I wish familiarity didn't breed contempt, or that I was able to care about people personally for longer, which is difficult for me sometimes. I try to love everyone unconditionally and make few distinctions, which is Zen but occasionally alienating. Sometimes. However, I often find it just as satisfying to love others from a distance as when they are near, if not moreso in some instances.
That's probably why I occasionally have a difficult time letting go of crushes I rarely see, for whatever reason. It seems I'm attracted to men with the same predilection because my phone and email get absolutely blown up on every major holiday-- I even hear from guys with whom I went on one date years ago.
The weirdest one I got this Valentine's Day was from a person I was infatuated with to the point of distraction this summer. After an apology for not keeping in touch he sent some random text about his jock as if we were bro's... it really hurt my feelings. The fact that I had a raging fever didn't help, either. He apologized, but clearly that's that between us. Regardless, he's a brilliant painter of industrial landscapes, and I think one of his prints would go nicely on the western wall of my living room, which is the metal/metallic-themed area according to the laws of Feng Shui, which I try to observe faithfully..
However, after thinking about how vulgar he was (I once had a dream I was scrubbing his studio floor naked a few months ago, I liked him so much!) I'm suddenly inspired to take a deep breath and order some curtains, too...