Tuesday, March 17, 2009


"Abasement, degradation is simply the manner of life of the man who has refused to be what it is his duty to be. "
Ortega y Gasset

"Never esteem of anything as profitable, which shall ever constrain thee either to break thy faith, or to lose thy modesty; to hate any man, to suspect, to curse, to dissemble, to lust after anything, that requireth the secret of walls or veils."
-- Marcus Aurelius, "Meditations"

I really agree with the truth of above statements, yet, often, I do not live up to them. I continually distract myself with exercises in abasement, I never had any modesty, sometimes I hate men, if there's a place to learn fouler language than a strip club or Dungeon I haven't found it yet and I love secret walls and veils, etc. So what compels me so ardently to work in the sex industry these days, when it seems to flout the virtuous life I claim to seek? I suppose the most honest answer I can give now is this:

"To express myself sexually. To be beautiful and adored, as well as abased, in hopes that my ego will eventually drop like a leaf as a result of being mercilessly and constantly put through its paces."

For no longer do I believe in any fellow human being's right or ability to judge me in any way. So if I feel abasement I know it is only my own ego burning like dross in the furnace of my own consciousness.

That's it, I am going to shine a light of RADICAL honesty on my life and see what happens. No more shall I allow myself to hide.

PS I used to LOVE Pantera as a teenager. In fact, when Dimebag Darrell was so tragically murdered, I cried for the first time in three years. I wore this shirt every three days or so in my sophomore year of high school, until it fell apart, and now I want a replacement:

I hope nobody thinks my proximity to Williamsburg makes me a progenitor of irony by wearing it. Irony is a ruse, a pose, a sham! I'm FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT PANTERA.