Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Even though my life is a constant, swirling vortex of male sexual attention and proximity thereof, I can't handle it when I sense another woman in the immediate sphere of a man I like. My woman's intuition always tingles when someone with whom I'm even a little bit involved is seeing another girl or is around one who likes him a lot. I can feel the bitter tension in the air like a thunderstorm about to cause an unhappy downpour, for me, at least. I've been getting to know someone and have been feeling joyful lately, but I can tell all that is about to change, somehow.

I can dish it out but I can take it... however, the difference is, I'm not going to have sex with anyone, let alone be intimate with more than one person at a time. Unless you consider getting nude for hundreds of strangers a week intimate, sigh. But that's just a professional thing.

Maybe I should give up dating forever.

I think about it often.

My romantic relationships never seem to last.

I never do consider marrying for security to be a real option, and since I have never been in love, maybe marriage will remain permanently out of the question for me. It's just that I don't know what else to want for my adult life.

Sometimes it's as though I can feel life as I know it winding down altogether. I feel like a clock made gradually aware that I have been keeping time for a purpose no longer relevant, surrendering the momentum of my useless machinations until, at last, I am silent and still.

What can it all mean? Death? A life-altering revelation that dramatically makes defeat of my personality and lifestyle?